This is my attempt at humor.  If you are easily offended, please do not read.  If you do read and are not offended, I will be greatly disappointed.

January 8, 2002

People say that it is too soon to joke about some things after 9/11.  I think it is TOO SOON to do the following:

Utter a racist remark.

Take a claim by a politician at face value.

Kill someone else because of religous or political differences.

To be too serious about everything.

Forget about social justice.

Forget about civil liberties.

Keep our head in the sand and not think critically.

We have stumbled upon a list prepared by Al Gore of some of his fantasies about Ralph Nader.  Here they are:

Nader becoming ambassador to Antarctica.

Nader going over a cliff in a Corvair with Thelma and Louise.

Nader being sexually dominated by Pat Buchanan.

Branding Nader's forehead with NAFTA.

Force Nader to listen for 72 hours straight to speeches of his own speeches.

Make Nader extract the stick stuck in Al Gore's butt.

Nader having a bladder control accident during a press conference.

Have Nader edit the video:  Exciting moments from C-SPAN.

Nader driving a bus in Israel.
 

Given the closeness of the recent American presidential election, several plans have been put forward to solve the dilemma that the nation has been placed in.  Here are some of the plans suggested:

The Solomon Plan:  Bush president on odd-numbered days, Gore president on even-numbered days, and Nader president on Leap Day, February 29th 2004.

The Nancy Reagan Plan:  Prepare the astrological chart of both men and see which is best suited for the job.

The Barry Scheck Plan:  Compare the DNA of both men to the DNA of all past presidents weighted by greatness and select the closest match; alternative and cheapo plan, choose the man whose DNA is least like OJ's.

The Abby Joseph Cohen Plan:  Alan Greenspan becomes the president.

The George Bush Sr. Plan:  Since Gore says he did such a good job as vice-president, he can keep the job and Bush can become president.

The Jesse Ventura Plan:  Tipper and Laura have a mud wrestling contest and the winner's husband becomes president.

The Monica Lewinsky Plan:  She has five minutes with each in the oval office and she picks.

The George Bush Jr. Plan:  See who can consume an ounce of cocaine in the shortest amount of time.

The Al Gore Plan:  Whoever wants it more gets it.

The Bill Clinton Plan:  Whoever promises to have longer congressional sessions keeping representatives and senators in Washington more becomes president.

The Calista Flockhart and Mahatma Ghandi Plan:  The person who fasts the longest becomes president.

April 15, 2000

The following press release is being prepared by the Patrick Buchanan for President Committee:

Timothy McVeigh has decided to endorse the candidacy of Patrick Buchanan.  McVeigh stated that he felt that Buchanan was the only real American running for president.  He was one to rid the country of the alien onslaught and homosexual rampage.  Buchanan pointed out that McVeigh like him was a patriotic American who had served his country well and was being unfairly prosecuted for transporting agricultural products across state lines.  He said the government was wasting an opportunity by not hunting down Joe Doe II.  Buchanan said that at worst McVeigh was only guilty of reducing the size of burdensome government in Oklahoma.  McVeigh did however admit that he would change his endorsement to Clinton if he would pardon him.

February 15, 2000

Recently it has been revealed that certain men were the fathers of famous children.  For instance, it was recently revealed that David Crosby was the father of the child of Melissa Etheridge's partner.  Our research team has uncovered information concerning paternity that you may not be aware of:

Mr. Rodgers was the father of PeeWee Herman.
Orson Wells was the father of Sally Struthers (note the resemblance).
Al Bundy was the father of Ted Bundy (you knew that already).
Charlie Brown (no longer a child) was the father of Eric Cartman (note the resemblance).
Harold Stassen was the father of Steve Forbes.
Jesus was the father of Madonna (think about this for awhile).
Lassie (he's a he) was the father of the taco bell chalupa dog.
Marge Schott (she's a he) was the father of John Rocker.
David Crosby was the father of Steve Howe (obscure baseball reference).
JFK was the father of Bill Clinton.
Bill Clinton was the father of 80% of the children born in Arkansas from 1980 to 1992.

February 1, 2000

Product warnings are getting ridiculous.  Consider three that I recently saw.  The first is for a cold remedy:

This product may cause mild twitching in the left index finger of Japanese men over the age of 95.  Not to be taken in combination with kung pao shrimp, mild nachos, or junior mints.  Those who are taking crack or ecstasy should consult a physician or a dealer before starting to use this drug.  Do not inject this drug 45 years after purchase as it may have lost some its potency.

This product is not to be taken by babies under the age of two weeks as research has conclusively shown that 98.5% of these children will grow hair without this product.  The product seems to have limited effectiveness among men who regularly shave their heads.  In some cases, excessive hair growth in the nostrils has been found.  Men should be warned that excessive hair growth could block vision which could lead to ineffective locomotion.

While operating this vehicle do not drink alcohol, put a child in the front carseat, sleep, eat pizza, operate a cell phone, conduct oral surgery, write poetry, think blissful thoughts, shoot speed, smoke weed, check your hairdo in the rearview mirror, surf the web or a wave,  or sit in the back seat of the vehicle.

This reporter has covertly attended a secret meeting of computer programmers in Palo Alto on January 7.   The topic of the meeting was post-Y2K scams.  The programmers were reveling in the over 1 billion in dollars that they made in fixing a non-existent bug that they had created -- the Y2K "bug."  However, they need to raise more cash to maintain the extravagant life styles that they developed.  Several suggestions for a new "bug" were offered:

    The Y2K leap year bug
    Chinese new year bug
    the 6/6/6 virus (June 6 2006)
    the Y2K bug will appear 1/1/01

Given that Rome, Times Square, and cruise ships will be packed for the new year, where can you go?  Why not visit some of the most memorable sites of the fading century?

    Hiroshima
    Dachau
    The Texas Book depository in Dallas
    Sarajevo (two big events this century!)
    The Killing Fields of Cambodia
    Rwanda
    My Lai Vietnam (check out this quote)
    Armenia where 1.5 million were killed during WWI
    Siberia
    Laramie Wyoming

We will soon say good bye to the 20th century (except for you pedants who think it ends at 2001).  What had this century given us?

    Salad shooter, the roach motel, and Molly McButter.
    Elevator music.
    MAD (mutually assured destruction).
    Pokeman, Barney, and mercifully Tweety.
    Creationism posing as science.
    Science posing as religion.
    Yellow smiley faces that have "Have a nice day" written underneath.
    Colored underwear.
    "Professional" "wrestling."
    A $5 cup of coffee.

George Bush Jr. was asked to explain what he meant by "a conservative with a conscience."  He gave the following illustrations:

    Free coffins to those who receive the death penalty.
    Free coat hangers to pregnant women after abortion is banned.
    Free tee-shirts to parents of retarded children that say "I am with stupid."
    Free peg legs to war amputees.
    Cyanide pills for the HIV infected.
    A tax deduction for face lifts.
    Free squash racquets for disadvantaged children.
    Raising money to find a cure for tennis elbow.
    Distribute watermelon laced with Prozac in prisons.
    Automatic weapons for suicidal children who feel threaten by criminals.
    Pay for bleaching and smoke removal from white sheets used as outer garb of patriotic Americans.

There are all these long distance services and it is so confusing. Here are some of the newer ones that you may not have heard of:

  1 800 119:  Emergency help for dyslexics.
  1 888 PP:  Help for pregnant women who touch Propecia.
  10 10 Y2K:  Modem connections that may not work.
  10 10 IHATEU:  Cheap calls for neo-Nazis.
  10 10 666:  Long distance for devil worshipers.
  10 10 AK47:  Guns for psychos.
  10 10 BONO:  Tree maps for skiers.
  1 800 T AND P (Canada only):  Fart joke of the day.
  10 10 900:  Cheap phone sex.

Today computers tell us, "You've got mail."  What if other consumer products could talk? Maybe this is something we would not want.   Consider the following:

Preparation H would say, "You've got hemorrhoids."
The phone would say, "You have bad breath."
A D-cup bra would say, "You've got implants."
A pregnancy test would say, "You have a mistake."
Deodorant would say, "You really stink!"
Pampers would say, "This brat has a nasty load."
A golf ball would say, "You've got a wicked slice."
A condom would say, "You've got ED; get the Bob Dole video."
A coffin would say, "Stop saying the stiff looks so good!"

The top ten things Hillary Clinton would do if she were elected to the Senate from New York:

10.   Introduce a motion to censure Bill.
  9.   Have a Vince Foster monument built in the park he shot himself.
  8.   In support of gay rights, insist that all presidential interns be gay.
  7.   Have passionate sex with Strom Thurmond.
  6.   Introduce an amendment to the Constitution that all ex-presidents be castrated.
  5.   Make it illegal to call anyone "Jane Doe."
  4.   Have Leonardo DiCaprio be her intern.
  3.   Wear bow ties in the style of Paul Simon.
  2.   Have Bill appointed as ambassador to Iraq.
  1.   Actually move to New York!

Recently an insurance company whistle blower released a secret insurance company file on a selected group of persons who were deemed uninsurable.   Among those listed were the following:

Life insurance for the cast members of Saturday night live.
Auto insurance for Ted Kennedy.
Burial insurance for patients of Dr. Kevorkian.
Rental insurance for Arabs renting Ryder trucks.
Hepatitis insurance for Dennis Rodman.
Legal insurance for Mike Tyson.

It was recently learned that Bill Clinton's defense team has decided to change its defense strategy.   They plan an aggressive and spirited defense in the Senate.  Among the points that they plan to emphasize are the following:

If Clinton was such a womanizer, why would he ever appoint Donna Shalala, Madeline Albright, and Janet Reno to the Cabinet?

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

Paula Jones pretended to be a urologist.

It is true he wanted sex with women, but Hillary would not let him do it.

How could he have sex with Jane Doe, as we all know this is not a real person?

It was recently announced on Sunday that Jesus Christ was not going to be speaker of the United States House of Representatives.  He had been the leading candidate, but a number of troubling reports led to his abrupt resignation.  Among those reports were worries that an unmarried man of his age is likely a homosexual, his frequent association with known prostitutes, his long hair and robes, and that he could not be a real Christian if he is a Jew.  He might have withstood all of these charges, but when it was revealed that his father could not be located and his mother had married someone who was not his father, he was forced to withdraw. It was also rumored that his mother had applied for welfare (as we used to know it) and had reconstructive surgery to make her a "virgin."  Jesus was quoted as saying "Tom DeLay, Tom DeLay!   Why has my whip forsaken me?"

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